hi.
some of you may know me, some of you may not.
for those of you who do, hi.
for those of you who do not, hi. jeff.
this post is going to lay bare my emotions and feelings. there will be profanity. there will be evidence of me not giving a fuck. and, frankly, as the title suggests, i’m not gonna bother, and you shouldn’t either.
for those of you who do know me, you will know that i am one to write very very long posts. ones that would most certainly get me accepted into big time universities and schools full of pompous pricks, were they of any other topic.
but, let’s keep the topic of this paragraph, and only this paragraph, very short, very sweet, and very simple.
this is going to be a get your shit together post.
i’m not gonna bother, and you shouldn’t either.
and here’s why.
over the last several years of my life, i have had the pleasure of being a member of the roblox community at large. for some number of those years, i have had the pleasure of being a member of the firestone community, on the frontlines of paramedicine, at the front of the classroom of the fire academy, at the podium of a press briefing room, chilling with those i considered my friends and being busy shooting criminals when i wasn’t being busy chilling with them as well.
i am writing this several years from when i first began my venture into the emergency services community of roblox. i learned as i grew, saw just how much this form of community, no matter how flawed it was, managed to unite those with common interests.
i first became involved in the community in 2014, during the era of the state of rockport and the robloxian cops police department. one of my fondest memories is being unable to parallel park the training vehicle properly while doing the trc licensed driver’s course, though i passed with adequate marks to become licensed.
i dove deeper into this community, working alongside notable names of the community such as portago and mack and jordanlewis, and many others that would see an eventual rise to fame.
i became a developer, found myself building cities and cars and compiling models and groups for the benefit of others, allowing my scripting abilities to dive deeper day by day as they were called upon not out of requirement, but out of curiosity and because i felt like it, simply because i was a bit too overzealous when playing cops and robbers.
in 2016, i, a nervous, timid, and unexposed freshman in high school, became an officer of the norfolk city police department. i befriended some of the more infamous criminals there, such as reaper and bowy. i rose through the ranks and retired as a captain.
during high school, my family life was not what one would describe as stable. i was never sure of myself as a child, much less as a preteen, and my growth was never benefitted by an understanding family such as one that a good portion of you might have had.
games such as portago’s vehicle testing, which would eventually become oxford city, the cities of the state of rockport, norfolk city, and stapleton county allowed me to turn away from hating myself, and allowed me to focus on doing something, learning something, being something i wasn’t. i was having fun in order to distract myself from reality.
by 2018, i had retired from firestone. oxford was dead, despite attempts by our community to restart it. there was nothing left for me here, because i found out that, after a while, it’s better that you jump over a dead end wall rather than keep trying to ram through it.
i realized that reality was better than indulging myself and recommitting myself to something that would simply result in nothing more than wasted time, effort, and potential.
this was combined with the fact that i was realizing that there was far more outside the walls of what should have been considered my home than i had known before. i had grown as a person. i had realized that there’s more to be proud of than just virtual achievements on games that would have no true effect on anything i had ever done in real life.
so i went somewhere where i felt i could be valued more than i could have been here.
by 2019, i was in college. i was on track to doing something useful with my life. i returned to firestone, if only for a bit, reconnected with good friends, met new faces, shot new people. i was appreciated wherever i went. i had good friends in my new community, and though i was still finding myself day by day, i was becoming more successful at it.
i had a mental breakdown, and then had several more after that.
only because i had to console myself from a feeling that had been completely and utterly destroyed beyond words, as if somebody had snuffed out the sun and plunged everything into eternal fucking darkness.
turns out those people i decided to associate myself with didn’t want any of that shit, and my family didn’t give a fuck. i deleted entire documents of information i had written and was writing from my google docs. deleted entire folders of files for textures and clothes.
erased all traces of the past. of the harm that befell me. of the pain. of the suffering. of the grief. of the sorrow. of the trauma. fuck it all.
i started therapy. i don’t know if it’s helping. most of it is just talking and ‘feeling’.
i was hurt. and the people who hurt me can actually live with it, because they don’t see me as anything other than whatever shell of a human being i am to them.
if somebody walks into your room, pisses on a prized trophy, and walks back out while sneering at you, that would give some idea of just how much i was fucked over.
so, let’s be honest here.
i’m not writing this because i got a felony for whateverthefuck it was because frankly it’s too fucking irrelevant and pretty much too bullshit to even recall, and then i got another one for standing on the roof of fed’s house, which was unintentional even though it was fun.
i don’t give a fuck what you think from me saying that, because that’s why i went missing in action for three months. because this system is fucking retarded.
i’m writing this because it’s a game. it’s all a fucking game. i sit here, i remember the times we all argued about things, i recollect the memories of when we fought over shit, i recall when people fucked each other over not just for power on a fucking kids’ game, but out of sheer fucking spite.
this place has given me memories, both good and bad. this place has changed me, for better or for worse.
the loss of my certifications is truly and utterly irrelevant to me. i don’t care anymore. all of this is literally text on a screen bearing weight of some kind to a certain amount of people who actually care about it. it means nothing to me.
you may sit there and wonder why i, a former critical care paramedic formerly possessing a civilian firearms license, a person who was pretty much certified for law enforcement without even having to set foot in a retarded classroom to relearn everything i had already known and was seeking to earn a bar certification, can just say that out loud. aren’t those accomplishments? aren’t those achievements you should celebrate and behold? you’ve gotten somewhere in this place. you were chief paramedic of the stapleton county fire department, chief training officer of the firestone fire academy, you were canine’s press secretary, you made the new uniforms for the fire academy, you were actually a pretty chill guy with the regulars, the criminals, and the law enforcement officers. what the fuck happened?
i can be funny and say 2020 happened. and, yes, 2020 happened. you want to know what else happened?
i came to the realization that, for a game, this is something that way too many people take way too seriously. there is no forgiveness of any person who commits any wrongs. there is no realization that people are here to enjoy themselves, not just force themselves through bullshit just to say they’ve done something and accomplished something of some relative importance. there are people who lie, there are people who backstab, there are people who manipulate. why too many people take this shit way too seriously, i will never know.
fuck up despite everything you’ve done for this community and everything you’ve done for us? nah, fuck you, because that’s how the system works.
i got so fucked up last year that i could only muster enough effort to sign myself up for classes on the tenth of january of this year. and by then, there was absolutely no fucking classes left to sign up for.
i’m currently taking a single class. one class. and i failed my genomic biology course.
fuck me.
in the first month of waiting, i believed i would return sooner than later.
in the second month of waiting, i only thought about it.
in the third month of waiting, it barely even comes up anymore.
now, i’ve realized that i’ve moved on. some say that you never move on from anything, you just live with it. well, i can say that i’ve truly moved on.
and it’s not because of the three months of waiting, where i had enough time to come up with the decision, but because of what i realized in my current situation of having literally nothing else to do.
without anywhere to go indoors, i decided to go outdoors.
i take a stroll outside every few days now. maybe i might make it every other day if the weather allows me to.
i walk outside, look up at the sky, look around at the world around me, take the train down to coney island, take a walk down the boardwalk, take some pictures, and just enjoy the view. it’s the closest i’ll ever get to feeling a true sense of freedom again.
there are friends outside of this place. we talk over discord, see each other every so often.
i can’t stand leaving without everybody knowing what happened to me, because there’s going to be people who actually question why i’m missing and why i’m gone. and it’s not that i fucked up, because other people fucked me up, because that’s irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.
it’s because there’s places better than this to be, and i don’t mean on this godforfuckingsaken website.
there’s a friend i met while playing on roblox last year or so. we live in the same borough, and while our friendship is obviously platonic, we’ve been seeing if we can meet up with each other one of these days. there’s more people that i’ve met on roblox that have shared the same interests with me, who i believe have actually accepted me as one of their own.
it’s sad that i have to say that i believe that.
the current state of the political situation of the world means that i literally have an individual first aid kit stocked and ready to go, in case anybody decides that they should put a piece of lead straight through somebody’s person.
i have the requisite knowledge to be able to keep somebody alive long enough for somebody else to render actual aid. i have the knowledge to handle a firearm. i have the knowledge to be able to represent and defend myself and others in court. i can literally perform surgery if required, simply because i was fucking bored enough to do useless research.
in theory, of course.
ah, shit.
i’ve started down a path that i continue going down, whether or not it has any effect on me in the present. i’ve done much the same when engaging with those that have fucked me over hard. i’ve been doing much the same when i realized that this family is never going to be as benevolent as they say they are.
i learned these things because i felt like it. because there was something other than this text on a screen that i could have derived some sort of value from, some semblance of meaning from.
instead, i wasted my days away playing cops and robbers.
i don’t intend on returning to firestone, even though v3 is coming out soon™ and everything that everybody’s ever done will be erased upon its release, because i’m not sitting through some bullshit classes just to get back shit that i’ve worked for before, and don’t feel like working to get them back.
it’s a waste of time. it’s a waste of time that i could be using somewhere else, being productive and working on something that actually delights me, something that i can derive some semblance of joy and happiness and satisfaction from.
firestone is too much of a burning mound of shit to navigate without ensnaring yourself in one of its many open bear traps. then you realize that all your time and effort that you’ve genuinely and dedicatedly devoted to this group has all been for nothing, and you have literally just utterly fucking uselessly wasted your own time.
you are not going to get any of it back, so why bother trying to throw yourself over other people?
when in the other community, i was told i was one of the most genuine people that anybody in that community had ever met. this was a community of toxic roleplayers hellbent on fucking each other over, literally, in inner circles and blackmailing and all sorts of other bullshit. you had people backstabbing each other by leaking erotic roleplay logs, you had people getting each other banned out of sheer spite, and yet there i was, just sitting there, day by day, enjoying the time i spent with other people and the effort i put into making sure that every person in the specific group i was in was high quality, at the top of their game, knowing who they were, what they would do, and never setting the bar any lower for anybody. i wrote medical documents, policing documents, judicial documents, i led roleplays, built structures, and wrote a lot, because i devoted my time and myself to doing so.
and then they fucked me over. twice.
for what reason? power? fame? renown? reputation? glory? just to say they could?
no.
because i was a fucking joke to them, and in the end, that was exactly what they viewed me as. nothing but a pile of garbage tossed in the bin and set on fire, and there was nothing i could do.
it’s the same here, no matter how much people say things have changed, or are going to change. this state, as with any other state on this godforsaken site, is going to be plagued with drama. it’s going to be plagued with incompetence. it’s going to be plagued by people who lie, who cheat, who backstab, who manipulate, who blackmail, who hide, who cower, who fuck each other over just to maintain some semblance of power and authority on a game that ultimately means nothing at all to anybody with a rational head on their shoulders.
which probably includes me.
i say probably because i’m likely more insane than i actually am sane.
personally, i blame my family.
and my two cents on our political situation.
this nation is one so divided that we literally have a feedback loop of one party blaming the other for the bullshit that plagues this country. our media outlets spew the same crap, the same bullshit, further incentivizing our divide. we no longer know who to trust, who to turn to, and nothing is being done fast enough- as if it ever could have been. it’s no longer enough to know what happened anymore.
instead, we rip and tear and claw at each other’s throats over issues vital enough to threaten life as we know it such as climate change, gun control, racism and civil rights, equality and the right to choose, and any variety of problems in our nation that cannot be handled because of political parties, corporate entities, the general public being stupid as hell, or any combination of those three, and more.
fedora can sit there and purport that he can guide the group all he wants. let’s be honest, he’s actually doing pretty well if he’s gotten firestone this far. the county is in its third iteration and, as a developer who decided to keep the original map of oxford even after working on two different maps, that’s a fucking feat of its own for the development team.
for fedora, though, he’s in way too much shit to be able to see past it. i won’t speak ill of his own family, or his own upbringing, but there’s an ego that comes with being placed in power of a group of people, and that, and sentiments attributed from it, often stem from how one’s perception of the world around them was honed and perceived by those who influenced them. he literally has a fucking muscle car for no other reason than just having one.
we cannot agree on one thing between the two primary parties simply because one side refuses to listen. it’s the same with anything else that happens in life; just look at all the fucking videos floating around the interwebs. the cofounders, the developers, a good portion of everybody else is fine.
we literally joke about how fedora is fucking kim jong un. i literally made an image of his profile picture overlayed with a transparent communist flag. we’ve debated each other in the very early hours of the morning when i’ve had nothing else to do and should frankly be asleep. each and every time, he somehow says words that never existed in the course of the conversation and believes that he wins every debate through that method.
he believes that he wins, each and every time, because he relies on the false perceptions and false facts generated by those that he is wired to believe in.
i started out talking about why, hypothetically, we should defund the police, and the debate ended with a clamoring denouncement of our current president, joe biden, out of everybody’s claims that doing so would be fucking terrible to our national security.
it is a testament to his failure to recognize that there are not just people in his echo chamber in his world.
we devote far more money to our military spending and our spending for national domestic defense than we do for things like infrastructure and education and the environment, things that should shape our future, not jeopardize and destroy it. instead, this is a sentiment vastly echoed in the chambers of congress, where our politicians play with bills like political footballs while claiming to be delaying vital and necessary laws for the sake of the country.
simple measures such as better healthcare and stricter gun regulations that uphold the second amendment for legal gun owners are a necessity to ensure that we can all actually live in fucking peace. we don’t live in the fucking cold war era anymore. the threat of communism is gone. socialism actually fucking works, just look at fucking europe.
him and i might not agree on the same things. we might not agree on abortion, we might not agree on healthcare, we might not agree on gun control. the one thing we can say to each other is that we can view each other’s opinions in our own right, because that is a right granted to us by the nation we live within, and we can say that, even if we differ in opinion, we are both patriots for believing in what we believe in for the sake of what we view as a better country.
instead, no. we have people pretending to be proud nationalists in order to milk the shit out of a blind population that can’t open their eyes any farther than their glorious idol is holding them open for them. fedora falls into that category. this family falls into that category. the entirety of motherfucking communist china falls into that category.
so, fuck felonies. fuck laws. fuck drama. fuck politics. fuck the toxicity and flawed egotistical perceptions of power that come with these communities.
we come here to enjoy our time here, not waste it. this is not a system that forgives. this is not a community that enjoys. this is not a person who can accept.
there is something beyond the wall, and yet people just keep fucking ramming into it, over and over again. some people never learn. these people never learn.
there is no such thing as civil conversation in this world anymore. that’s why we’ve fallen so far as a nation. because nobody actually had the balls to stand up and yell and scream and shout down the curses and sins of those who would dare to oppose everything we have ever fought for until now.
fuck your views if they fuck with anybody else’s future. that should be fucking that.
you might know some friends from here, and you might hang out with them outside of here. good on you.
but if you’re a social recluse, if you’re somebody like me, who found their voice and their abilities and their spirit online, who became somebody they weren’t online, when playing, don’t be afraid.
i am a civilian. a fucking civilian. a nobody to everybody else. and yet i’ve accomplished so much in my life, and that isn’t from being online. that’s from learning, from being somebody, from being brave enough, from having enough courage, to challenge who i was and build on top of who other people made me out to be.
i’m a new yorker. i go to college in manhattan. i’m an english major going for a bachelor’s degree in creative writing. i don’t give a fuck what other people think about my future prospects, because i’m doing something that i enjoy. i’m getting that fucking degree, no matter how much of myself i have to tear down and get rid of in order to get there.
i have friends. i have people who care about me, even if they aren’t family. i do what i want in accordance with what i deem fit and just and proper.
the knight’s code is a relic of the past, from times long ago and forgotten and irrelevant in today’s culture and society.
i wasn’t even aware of it until now, but i’ve been following it.
honor, honesty, valor, and loyalty.
stay true to who you are, not to how others view you, and you’ll get somewhere in life.
i don’t care if this post gets taken down, i don’t care if this account gets deactivated or removed, i don’t care just how messy the replies get. i don’t even care if you’ve read this far at all, in which case, if you have, well done, like fucking seriously, well done.
i fully intend for this to be my last post on this forum. after the chatter dies down, i’m never going to come back on these forums again, if at all. and, if i do go down, i go down knowing that i’ve done what i’ve always done on here.
left a few likes. made a fucking long ass post. sat back and contemplated what i’ve just done.
if i go, i go knowing everything i’ve done here has been settled. everything i’ve done on here is done.
no more quarrels. no more qualms. no more grudges, if i even had any more in the first place.
I’m not gonna bother, and you shouldn’t either.
i’m not in the group. i’m not on the discord.
frankly, my dear, i don’t give a fuck.
leave knowing this.
you are all good people. you are all able to change. you can all read. you can all write. thus, you are all able to learn.
learn that there is far more time for you to do things. learn from the situation we all find ourselves in as humans living on this sole planet that we call earth, that we call our home.
the world will not change fast enough, in time for us to salvage ourselves from this predicament, the dire situation that we all find ourselves in. and so, we must be the change.
treat yourselves equally. treat yourselves right. treat each other equally, the same as you would treat yourself. it is not a sentiment that sees much compliance in today’s society, neither is it one that is expressed commonly enough, and though i’ve found that life will always fuck you over the ass hard enough if you make the most minor mistake, the smallest infraction, if you’re nice enough, they’ll be nice enough back.
torture. torment. pain. suffering. sadness.
enough is enough, and i’ve had enough.
