My Fellow Citizens,
Tonight 7/23/24, at 10:08 PM EST I will turn myself in to the Attorney General.
I must first apologize for betraying the trust placed in me by the Scrib administration and my colleagues.
I am deeply sorry for the heinous and vicious crime I committed. It’s unforgivable and I will ask for the
maximum punishment allowable under law. I must atone for my crimes. I have misrepresented the great values of
Firestone and her people.
I-Governor Butsworth, am guilty of biological warfare. You will notice that the administration has made no
announcement on the closing of Mayflower, or where refugees have gone from the former state. I will confess to you now I
am the sole cause for the administration’s silence on this issue.
As senior advisor, I was tasked with leading the effort to house Mayflower refugees. I was receiving a tour for
one of our special housing facilities for refugees. I was careless, irresponsible, and dangerous. I had graciously accepted the
offering of native cuisine by a child refugee from Mayflower. Upon devouring the delicious succulent meal I had become
an uncontrollable biological weapon. My stomach had become a real and existant iraqi weapon of mass destruction. Myself
and my underwear were unprepared for this unholy tragedy.
In what can only be described as a murder scene, I proceeded to accidentally exhale an enormous combined
semi-liquid-gaseous fusion mass from my buttocks. This horror weapon of ‘mass’ moving through sheer velocity alone
reached up to the roof, entering airducts and nearby cafeteria. Given the poorly ventilated and small building we were in, I
had unleashed a hellstorm upon the refugees. Many cried, and even more fled towards the Mayflower border. The children
were screaming, and Mothers were praying for mercy. I was unable to stop, I lost control of myself and proceeded in my
weaponized flatulence. I was scared, I was unable to control myself, and I felt afraid of what would happen next.
Heoric State Troopers led by dovntime finally contained the situation and locked me inside the communal
showers. This temporarily helped in containing my weaponized gaseous reactor (butt) before National Guard units could
arrive. I cannot describe in further detail what happened to that shower, for interests of national security.
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Wait, you’re not supposed to do that??
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Wait, you’re not supposed to do that??
Wait, you’re not supposed to do that??
Wait, you’re not supposed to do that??
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Wait, you’re not supposed to do that??
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