Citizens of Firestone,
After a year and a half of reflection (and wondering why Firestone hasn’t embraced the future), I am here to run for Senate. With experience in the Firestone State Patrol, Department of Transportation, POST, Stapleton County Fire Department, and as a Bar Certified Attorney, I bring expertise and a bold vision for progress.
My Vision for Firestone
- Always Changing the Status Quo: Democracy thrives on dissent, and as your senator, I will embrace that principle fully. When the public says “yes,” I’ll ask “but why?” When everyone says “no,” I’ll say “why not?” Progress isn’t about following the crowd—it’s about challenging the status quo, even when it confuses people.
- Nuclear Warheads for Strategic Deterrence: Firestone deserves to be taken seriously on the global stage—or at least within the Roblox metaverse. I propose developing nuclear warheads, not as weapons, but as symbols of power and prestige. Plus, they double as spectacular props for parades and public events.
- Free Pizza, Pineapple-Free: Every Firestone citizen deserves access to free pizza—because nothing fosters community like a shared meal. However, pineapple on pizza will be banned to maintain a unified, chaos-free state. Some lines must never be crossed.
Why You Shouldn’t Vote for Me
Let’s be honest: I’m not the candidate for those who value stability, predictability, or even common sense. I’ll push for nuclear-powered statements of power, legislate pizza bans based on toppings, and actively go against public opinion just to keep things interesting. If you want someone who will quietly do their job, blend in, and leave no mark on history, I’m absolutely the wrong choice.
But if, by some miracle, I do get elected, one thing is certain: Firestone will never be boring again (no promises though).
Thank you,
DOJODOG_2004
